I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
