I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Enjoy the penises
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
