where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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