His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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