who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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