I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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