Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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