The best revenge is premature balding
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
