My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
