I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
