Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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