I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
