Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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