he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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