New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
