I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
