I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
