I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
