Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
