He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
