she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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