You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
