Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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