If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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