Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize