Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
