Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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