she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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