This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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