matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
