You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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