I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
