Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
