i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
