i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
