Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
