My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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