I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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