4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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