Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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