She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
