A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize
