Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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