He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
