I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
