I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
