He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize