Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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