not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
