i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
