Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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