every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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