In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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