The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
