Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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