Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
