in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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