If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
