Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
