There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
