id be glad to
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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