Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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