I didn't shave. On purpose
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
