The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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