Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
