Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
