My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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