I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
