tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize