Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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